Introduction
by Dr. Monika
Our children form relationships from the day they are born. Their very first, and most important, are those formed with their parents. These relationships will be the basis for how they form future friendships and romantic bonds. As a parent, you serve as a role model and guide. Therefore, talk to your child about relationships from a very early age, using developmentally appropriate language. When your child begins to form very close friendships and starts to be interested in forming romantic bonds, talk to her or him about the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships. Teach your child to distinguish valued relationships from those that might be depressing or destroy your child’s self-esteem.
How to Talk to Your Teen About Relationships: Part Two
By Heather Mikkelsen, Nurse Practitioner
Romantic relationships are like taking an immersion course in another person. When it is new and exciting, it’s hard to think about anything else. Somehow you can relate this person to every topic of conversation. Your thoughts are always with him or her regardless of where your body may be. This is an intoxicating time, regardless of your age. As time goes on, things smooth out and then it is time to explore what is beneath the rush. Is this really someone that you love to be with? Do you feel free to be yourself around them, or do you feel like an imposter?
Knowing characteristics of a healthy and unhealthy relationship might be helpful. This pertains to friendships, as well as romantic relationships. In a healthy, loving relationship, a person feels encouraged to be exactly who she or he is, and there is no need to pretend to be someone else. When you are with the loved person, you feel creative, smart and supported. Physically, you feel relaxed, strong, and confident and there is an overall sense of harmony. In your gut, you know that all is well. A healthy relationship supports your growth and exploration of your dreams and interests. You feel encouraged, not stifled.
An unhealthy relationship may have started out exciting but has grown into something that feels too tight. You may begin to feel isolated from your friends or family. You may feel as if you are solely responsible for the other person’s happiness and stability and that you have to walk on eggshells to keep everything okay. Unhealthy relationships are fickle and keep you out of balance. One moment you are up, the next you are down. Physically you may feel anxious, tense, your stomach might feel upset or sleep may be difficult. You may find it difficult to truly relax in the presence of this person. Unhealthy relationships are manipulative and may make you feel like you are not good enough, smart enough, good-looking enough to have anything better. This leads to sense of resignation or frustration.
If you are in an unhealthy relationship, you must know that it will not get better with time. Your body and spirit are sending you important signals to get out. Sometimes abuse is subtle, taking the form of put-downs, sarcasm, or jealousy. At other times, it is more obvious like shoving, hitting, or forcing into unwanted sex. Often times, subtle abuse can escalate to more intense forms. If you are in a relationship that makes you feel sad, trapped, or afraid, it is your spirit speaking to you, telling you that you deserve happiness.
If you are in an unhealthy relationship, you may need some help ending it. If you can, talk to a parent. Always talk to your friends. You may need to let a school counselor know that you are leaving an unhealthy relationship, and they can keep an eye on you and the other person, and be there to talk if you need it. If you are in a relationship where you feel threatened and fearful, or the other person is threatening to harm herself or himself, these are red flags that the relationship must come to a swift end. If that’s the case, do not be afraid to ask for help to end that relationship. Talk to you parents, friends, or school counselors.
Suggested readings:
How to Talk to Your Teen About Relationships: Part One
What readers are saying about Heather's book, Be Smart (Your Nurse Practitioner's Guide to Sexual Health and Well-being):
"This book is perfect! I'm a college freshman and I plan on taking it with me for a reference for my friends and I for any questions that we encounter! Finally someone knows what they are talking about and put it in a non-embarrassing manner! Thanks Heather! You're the best!" ~ Elizabeth Harkey
"Be Smart is a well written and informative book for all young adults. It is the book you wish every teenager could read before becoming sexually active. Heather Mikkelsen has provided parents with the perfect handbook to give to our children which fills the gaps in the information they are receiving from both home and school. Cheers!" ~ Patricia A. Cook
"As a nurse, I have worked to educate adolescents and adults about sexual health and well-being, often struggling to explain health practices and processes in a way my patients can understand. I believe this book has a great deal to offer readers from puberty and onward; clearly answering the sexual health questions many of us either don't know how to discuss or don't give needed attention. This book gives understandable, to-the-point info in a non-judgmental way which I believe is absolutely necessary in reaching teenagers (and many adults). Highly recommend!" ~ Pazoo Xiong
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