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How To Teach Your Children Respect |
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Written by Adina Soclof
 Positive Psychology is a recent branch of science that deals with theories and practices involving human happiness, motivation and creativity. There is one simple technique that is utilized by therapists with great success. Clients are encouraged to “look for the good," focus on their daily accomplishments and what has gone right for them, instead of ruminating on what has gone wrong or what was left unaccomplished. Clinician’s maintain that this shift in attitude can greatly increase a person's happiness quotient and increase positive, productive behavior. Not only that, we can apply this information to improve our parenting and increase our children’s positive behavior, especially their ability to respect us.
Why do we need children to respect us? Isn’t that passé? More and more child experts are finding that children need their parents to assert their authority and encourage respect in the home. Even though they fight against it, children want and need to look up to their parents and respect them. Making sure children are respectful helps them feel secure and safe, and is essential to their emotional well-being.
To promote respectful behavior, using the principles of positive psychologists outlined above, is simple. Instead of focusing on the times your child is disrespectful, be on the lookout for any little act of respect on their part. Point it out to them and praise them. When we give attention to children’s negative behavior we inadvertently reinforce their negative behavior. When we only focus on their positive behavior we reinforce their positive behavior. Sounds crazy, but it is true. It takes a while to retrain our brains to look for the good but it is well worth the effort.
Here are some examples:
1. “You came right when I called. That was respectful.” (Say this even if she came quickly because you were going to her favorite store!)
2. “You moved over so I could sit on the couch. That was respectful.” (Even if he was moving over to be closer to the popcorn bowl.)
3. “You didn’t complain when I asked you to turn off the TV. That was respectful behavior.” (Even if she did it slowly and rolled her eyes!)
4. “You cleaned the back and front yard just like I asked you to. I appreciate your respectful behavior." (Even if he complained the whole time.)
Similarly, we can take this one step further when managing difficult and oppositional children. Howard Glasser, founder of the Nurtured Heart Approach, suggests using proactive recognition. “Instead of waiting for children to break rules, you are now the ruthless opportunist who proactively fixates your attention, deliberately and determinedly, in even the smallest steps in the direction of success. To do this consciously, find moments when nothing seems to be happening and capture those moments by acknowledging your child for not breaking the rules or pushing the limits in that given instant.”
To use this principle to promote respectful behavior, you can catch children at a time when they are not being combative:
1. “I appreciate that you are not speaking disrespectfully right now. I know you are disappointed that Brian can’t sleep over tonight.”
2. “I appreciate the respectful way you asked if you can go to the mall with your friends, even though you know I am usually uncomfortable with you going.”
3. “I love the way you came into the bathroom to get your teeth brushed, even though you don’t usually like it.”
"Looking for the good" and focusing on our children’s positive and respectful behavior changes our perspective and generates a tremendous feeling of peace in our home. It transforms potentially harmful and destructive interactions into positive relationship building moments. Most importantly, you are modeling to your children (without lecturing) how to focus on other people’s positive behavior. This is a powerful skill, one that they can use successfully in all of life’s situations.
To learn more helpful and practical parenting skills like these, check out our website at www.ParentingSimply.com. While you are there, sign up for our highly informative and convenient Parenting Workshops.
About the author:
Adina Soclof is a certified speech pathologist and parent educator. Her website www.ParentingSimply.com offers informative and inspirational parenting workshops designed to help parents create a calm, happy home.
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